If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!