I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]