3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
#catsoftwitter
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.