How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.