there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.