You Might Also Like
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
is frankincense just very honest incense?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*jingles half the way*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.