Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase