The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.