Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no