There are usually two types of merchants.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
These work great until they don’t.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Great acting.. 😂
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.