The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Note to self: I am a note
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”