Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*