I found your tweet-up…
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Seems a bit forward
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
BETRAYAL
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.