Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
saving face 👀
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.