the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.