Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
im 7 sauces long
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.