Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”