A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
nice challenge
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
my nickname in college
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.