DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”