mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?