[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
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Leonardo DiCaprisun
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’m calling the cops.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.