“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
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Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.