HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
need him
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed