My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Saturday
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password