genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*