My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.