So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
You Might Also Like
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
felt that
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity