At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar