My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology