50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*offers Batman cough drops*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
your honor my client chooses dare
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?