I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.