A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
You Might Also Like
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.