Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Get off my horse you stupid moon
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip