I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.