Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register