Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
You Might Also Like
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
he’s doing your taxes
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.