Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Netflix: We have Less
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.