The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit