And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.