i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”