If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.