I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.