Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
set yourself free xox
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
🤣dope
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Bond. Trauma bond.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…