why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
They grow up so quick
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”