(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude