My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.