Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Seas the day!!!!
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
This makes total sense…
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.