i hope my email finds you on fire
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ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.