friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
gm
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer