Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
huge if true: the moon
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Cake safety first. Always.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.